The Well of Souls

I'm the first person to show up for Bunco last night. I tread slowly up the walkway and note the Halloween decorations in the yard, one hanging on the door and others lining the stoop. I pause and ring the doorbell. Not a moment later, I am ushered inside by the hostess as she wraps up last minute dinner preparations for the Bunco gals. I look around some more while I am helping set up chairs. As she bustles about the kitchen, I spot other fun, festive Halloween decorations on the mantle as well as in the entryway. There is a pumpkin candle softly glowing, and candy dishes set out on the kitchen ledge to tempt any sweet tooth. I am thinking to myself that she would make a great Mom... only she isn't; yet. And for some reason, that makes me feel a twinge of that Mother guilt we all get from time to time.

Do you ever get that horrible sick feeling sometimes when someone tells you about the children they have wished for, dreamed of, and payed out the pocket for in infertility treatments? Here I have two children growing healthy and strong and I take it all for granted. Oh, how I take it for granted. There are times I tell Peyton, "Just go play. Find something to do. Only let Mommy have a moment in peace." And then there are these woman who would trade places with me in an instant just to snuggle a warm body of their own flesh and blood close to theirs and then I hate myself all the more for brushing Peyton away sometimes.

Today I turned on the radio in the truck as I drove Peyton to school. No tears today- he was playing with one of those Halloween flashlights that you can change the covers on to make cool sillouettes on the wall. I had the radio tuned into the classical station and they were playing scores from various movies like 'Gone with the Wind' and 'Star Wars'. After I drop him off, the score for 'Indiana Jones' comes on and I am taken back to August when my Mom and Dad came to visit us from Indonesia.



They were all a flutter with excitement because the next month they were embarking on a journey traveling down the Nile River in Egypt to photograph and explore the tombs of the Great Pyramids as well as other ancient wonders. So we all piled on the couch and pulled out 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' to watch Indie travel to Cairo and to relish his adventures across the desert so that we could perhaps spot some things that they might see while there.

And now here's a brief flash back to when I was a little girl:

My Mom and Dad and I were on vacation somewhere and I was begging for something to read. We had stopped off at a grocery store of sorts and the only thing that my eye could find to read in the place was an encyclopedia set. It was just a starter set of two books, plastic wrapped back to back but it was a gem to me. In the car, I cracked open the spine and read all about Acid Rain when Aardvarks were less than captivating. It wasn't until I got to Ancient Egypt that I was hooked. Forget everything- the car ride, the waiting, the needing to use the bathroom- it all could wait- because before me was a doorway to another world and it was fascinating and intriguing. After I read the whole section about pyramids, mummies, ancient cities, pharohs and the Nile River, I knew that I had to see this place in person some day.

So here were my Mom and Dad, about to go on the trip of a lifetime that I had dreamed about. I wasn't mad at them, I was excited for them; but I wanted to be there too. They got back last week and regaled me with stories of where they went and what they saw. And all along as they were telling me about their adventures they would say how they both thought of me while there and wished I could be there too. And this is where my heart sinks a bit because a trip of that magnatude is just impossible with two children under the age of five.

This is where I think of all of the what if's. What would it have been like IF I could have gone? This is a dangerous game to play because it just leaves you wanting and empty. Instead of thinking of the blessings you do have, it opens you up to all of the things you don't have. Yet it is something I think about all the time- when do I get to do those things that I dreamed about all those years ago? And really the answer is that the grass is always greener on the other side. When I didn't have children, I had all the time in the world to read and do the things I wanted to do, but I would find the endless time dull and boring. Now I'm lucky to begin and finish one chapter out of a book before someone finds me and needs something and sleeping in is one of those luxuries that I haven't had in so long that I couldn't tell you what it feels like.

People say, "It goes by in the blink of an eye!" but I swear Peyton has been two for the last ten years. Others say, ""It only gets harder when they get older." and I'm not sure if that's supposed to make me feel better or what when I have two in diapers- one throwing tantrums and the other teething.

And then there are those childless Mother-Souls who are just waiting to delve right in while I'm waiting to sit things out for a bit. The most perplexing part of this whole Motherhood thing is the loss of yourself. It's worth it but it's hard. And tiring. And exasperating. It's all those things but in the next instant it's toothless baby grins, cherub cheeks, dainty toes and belly laughs.

So Egypt will have to wait. As will England, Scotland, Italy and Ireland.

I'll still have to continue putting off being fashionable while spit-up is in season at our house.

And the alarm clock (whether dictated by a blaring chunk of plastic or the internal alarm of a hungry baby) will continue to be a fixture here too.

That can be good too, right? Right?!

Last night as the evening is winding down and we're done with our games, the hostess notices my empty water bottle and doesn't hesitate to fill it. Even in that small simple gesture, she is every bit a Mom as I am and just a little bit better. My heart aches for her and I am hoping she gets to realize her wish.

What are the dreams you have on hold for right now?

What are you yearning for?