Melancholy Morning Ramble {or Friends and the Lack Thereof}

Thursday evening, I received an email from my Dad saying that his brother had died.

I felt physically ill for a moment thinking it was my Uncle Bruce whom I haven't emailed or heard from in several weeks. As I scrolled down to the rest of the email which was forwarded to my Dad {and then to me} from my Aunt Tari, I realized that it was my Uncle Gary who had died.

We found out later that he had shot himself in the head. It took the police 6-8 days to find his body. I can't even imagine what a sight that must have been.

This has been affecting me a lot more than I thought it would.

For one, I don't remember my Uncle Gary. I can't recall the features of his face, the sound of his voice or his unique quirks that we as human beings inevitably have.

Nada, zip, zilch.

I think I met him when I was very young but as I said before, I don't recall.

For reasons that would take too long to write about and which are deeply personal, I won't go into our family dynamics. Suffice it to say that my Dad is estranged from his side of the family for past history between them and my Mom has a similar situation with her family as well.

What this has resulted in is a loss of extended family. Uncles and Aunts just become strangers. Grandparents and Cousins remain faceless and void.

Today at church, we talked about friendship and a comment was made that family should be some of your very best friends- the people you turn to when you are in your darkest hour; who can understand where you are coming from and help you stay on track to where you are going.

I have a hard time at church sometimes because I didn't grow up the way others at church have; many of them seem to have strong relationships with their extended families. I think a lot of time, people {especially at my church where family is everything} assume that your family is wonderful and good, kind and supportive.

I'm not saying that my parents weren't this way- they were. I'm saying that the situations that they grew up in weren't warm and fuzzy environments. They did the best they could with me considering their own upbringing {and I have to state they did a good job. I don't think I turned out half bad at all}.

As the topic of friendship was bandied about, I just thought of my Uncle, sitting in his apartment completely and utterly alone. I thought of him picking up the gun and resting it on his temple. I imagined him pulling at the trigger- one instant there, the next gone. I wonder if he reached out to a friend in the moments before or if he left this world thinking that no one cared, so why should he?

Today we were talking about how important friendship is; in good times and bad. How God wants us to know that he is our friend in all seasons and he just wants us to talk to him, be closer to him, draw strength from him.

I wish Gary had known that.

Going back to the lesson, I felt really sad while listening to what was being said because I'm in a friendship limbo here in Texas. I'm meeting lots of people, but I have no real close personal friends here yet.

I am envious of my friends back in Baton Rouge who have been there for years and who are now mostly related through marriage or from years of shared experiences. They have wonderful get togethers and have this solid foundation as friends and family.

I told Troy that it's not the same when you grow up. Suddenly when you get married and have children, you don't have the same connections with people anymore. You don't call people 'just because' anymore or do spur of the moment things any longer. I'm having a hard time adjusting to that.

I was never one to have a ton of friends growing up but I usually always had one really close friend to talk to. I still have yet to find that really good friend that I could call up anytime, that wouldn't be buggered when I was down in the dumps, that would want to have a girl's night in of junk food and movie rentals.

All I really want is a good friend.

I think Gary needed one too.